A Word On Body Image

A memory just popped up on my Facebook, of me 10 years ago, struggling with the mental and physical effects of an eating disorder. On the outside, it looks like everything is fine and I’m doing well, but emotionally I was in such a bad place, and my body was starting to shut down from the lack of food and calories. I remember panicking when I realized I was too deep in my own mind and my health was too far gone for me to fix this on my own. I needed help, and that was the most humbling realization that I was struggling with something I couldn’t fix on my own.

I look back on this moment and think of a couple different things:

1. I’m amazed at how far I’ve come from and how now I can comfortably talk about my experience as an ED survivor. I’m not ashamed of my story

2. I also understand what it’s like for women now who do not feel comfortable in their own skin. Or maybe feel the pressure to lose a certain amount of weight.

3. I’ve come to realize that when things feel out of control to me, my gut reaction is to control what I can even if that means my health is at risk

4. Our bodies are going to change- whether through aging, pregnancy, trauma, etc. how we look today will not be how we look in the future.

I think it’s women we bear scars on our bodies and on our hearts. We hold onto emotions and thoughts so tightly that they start to define who we are. Our self-worth can be tied up in something so fleeting as body image, weight, titles like being a mom, wife, or having a successful career.

I’ve found that some days I can look in the mirror and be so grateful for my body and the hard work it does getting me through the day or completing a difficult yoga class. But there are other days when I think in my head, “If I could just lose some weight, then I would be a better version of me or more worthy of love.”

Am I going to look at my body as being good today, or am I going to shame myself because life feels out of control?

Can I be OK with eating when I feel hungry or am I going to use that pain in my stomach to mask the pain in my heart from not having a child?

Can I choose to be grateful for this body that I have every morning when I look in the mirror- regardless of the reflection looking back at me?

I’m not sure where these thoughts come from, or how I decided that when things go wrong, focusing on what I can control, like what I do/don’t eat or my body image is a way to cope with life being out of control.

So in the season of dealing with the hurt and grief of a miscarriage, I’ve noticed thoughts start to creep in my head about my body and my self-worth. And I think that’s ok. We can’t ignore these thoughts, but we can decide whether or not we give them the power to define who we are.