hope

So, this morning was my last pregnancy test; it was negative. Otherwise, the tone of this post would be different. But the trust is there, and I will let God lead me on our journey. I decided this morning that I had to stop chasing this dream with such vigor and try to accomplish something that was out of my control. I'm hoping that in this stillness and quiet, I can hear God's voice better. 

The waiting game nobody sees The emotional high and low Of counting and tracking and hoping That its our time to start to show

So close. We were so close to being pregnant again; I could feel it. My anxiety was ramping up, I was gaining weight, I could feel cramping in my abdomen- I knew we were finally heading in the right direction.

So I keep riding this roller coaster of emotions, waiting for my chance to one day step off this horrible road of twists and turns, ups and downs. Trying to process this season of life that we are in while holding onto any glimmer of hope I can find. But it’s hard, and I’m tired. And we’re only just beginning again.

I know the feeling of hopelessness. I have lived in this dark state for weeks, feeling like there is nothing that will lift my heart out of this deep place. I didn't realize there was such a low point for me until I look back on these weeks since we lost our baby. The worst feeling for me was when we were in the hospital right after our miscarriage had just happened.