faith

So, this morning was my last pregnancy test; it was negative. Otherwise, the tone of this post would be different. But the trust is there, and I will let God lead me on our journey. I decided this morning that I had to stop chasing this dream with such vigor and try to accomplish something that was out of my control. I'm hoping that in this stillness and quiet, I can hear God's voice better. 

One of the biggest and most consistent blessings in my life has been yoga.

I know the feeling of hopelessness. I have lived in this dark state for weeks, feeling like there is nothing that will lift my heart out of this deep place. I didn't realize there was such a low point for me until I look back on these weeks since we lost our baby. The worst feeling for me was when we were in the hospital right after our miscarriage had just happened.

The big question for me was, "If God knows the outcome of our situation already, does He go in and change the outcome if I pray?" The heart of all of these questions is really, "Does prayer really work?"

Sometimes, I feel that God is so far away. But this Easter morning I'm reminded that God also experienced the loss of a child.

Each day brings something different and some are better than others. But for now, I will wait. I will be still. I will not rush or force healing, but learn to abide and see how he uses this terrible situation in my life for good.

I see you in the sunrise, when the colors are bright and strong

And it's hard when you know God could intervene and change the circumstances and give you a miracle in your current situation.

Many people have told me that they believe God wanted this baby for himself, but I don’t think that’s the case.