Releasing Control

I'm reading a devotional through Lamentations by the Daily Grace Co. and loving it. I normally wouldn't read this book unless I had a guide or something to break down the context, but in this season of life, I have been able to relate to the author/poet so much in how he describes the pain and grief Israel is feeling. 

I've been feeling this heaviness lately. Like an uncertainty and a constant struggle of thinking we are pregnant, taking multiple tests, seeing the negative result, feeling down, then assuming there is still a chance we are pregnant, and starting the whole cycle over again the next day. I'm a week late on my period, cramping, bloated, and tired- but no positive tests. 

But I didn't realize the toll this process has taken on me physically and mentally. I have been exhausted lately, exhausted from the stress of trying for a family, tired from all of the ups and downs of testing, and drained from the constant mental battle of trying to control my body and the outcome of our situation. 

Last night, I cried in the shower after my second negative test of the day. I feel like God has been silent and letting me wrestle with these thoughts and emotions without guidance or feedback. I've been praying and begging to hear God speak. Please let me know if this whole process is in vain and if we will never be parents so I can give up this hope I have been clinging to. Or give me confirmation or a sign that we will have a family one day so I can trust your timing. Something, anything.

I know God is not a genie or someone who grants all of our wishes and desires, but it's hard to wait and 'trust the process and His timing' when it comes to something so heavy on my heart. I am having such a hard time releasing the hope that we could be pregnant or that we will have children soon. I desperately want an answer from God.

In the study this morning, there was a quote that really hit home. 

God can accomplish far more in our stillness than anything we could ever do in all of our efforts. -Daily Grace Co.

And while it sucks that I would do anything to have answers, a timeline, or a confirmation, it looks like my only option is to stop trying. Stop testing, counting days, chasing this dream, and just be still. Because the woman I am becoming through this process since our miscarriage- I barely recognize. 

So, this morning was my last pregnancy test; it was negative. Otherwise, the tone of this post would be different. But the trust is there, and I will let God lead me on our journey. I decided this morning that I had to stop chasing this dream with such vigor and try to accomplish something that was out of my control. I'm hoping that in this stillness and quiet, I can hear God's voice better. 

Instead of chasing the positive test, I will start chasing peace. 

Instead of testing every morning and night- I will choose to love and trust my body.

Instead of feeling nervous that I could be pregnant- I will enjoy a cocktail or hot yoga class. 

Instead of crying in the shower, I will trust in God's provision for my life. 

Instead of planning how I would tell the good news to our family, what we would name our baby, or how my life would finally be complete- I will be still.