So Close To Pregnant

So close. We were so close to being pregnant again; I could feel it. My anxiety was ramping up, I was gaining weight, I could feel cramping in my abdomen- I knew we were finally heading in the right direction.

Yesterday, I realized that I was one day late on my period. For the past week, I had been taking pregnancy tests morning and evening, and all tests came back negative, so I reached out to my OB/GYN to ask if I could go for an hCG blood test! I was so excited, and the hope that had disappeared for the past two months was finally back! I started to think about how I would tell Ian and our family, or if I should try to surprise my girlfriends with this announcement, if this baby would be a boy or a girl- all the exciting things!

As I pulled into Watauga Medical Center, I realized that the last time I was in this building, I was pushed out in a wheelchair with empty arms, crushed dreams, and a broken heart. So naturally, I had some anxiety going in for this blood test. And, of course, the first thing the lady told me was that there was a problem with our new insurance, and the request for my hCG blood work was not in their system. I should have left then, but I didn’t. That desire to be a mom was so strong that I would do anything to get my blood drawn to see if there was a chance that I was pregnant.

Finally, she was able to find the doctor's request in the system, and within a few minutes, I had my blood drawn and was on my way back home. I felt this feeling of hope mixed with dispair while the nurse drew my blood and I started crying. This seems to be the new me- constantly worried, anxious and crying in the hospital. Once I got home, I was checking the mychart app and my emails constantly, waiting for the hCG count results to pop up.

These numbers are definitely a trigger for me. When I was in the hospital, they did a hCG count right when I arrived at 1 am covered in blood. They did the count again multiple times after our miscarriage and procedure. I had to watch my blood count go from 78,000 to 32,000 and then continue to lower. These numbers were conformation that I wasn’t dreaming, my baby really was gone, and my body was reacting to the loss.

Within two hours, the nurse gave me a call to let me know that my hCG count was at 2.4; therefore, we were NOT pregnant. She had no reason for why my period was late or why I was feeling these symptoms, other than it could just be the effects of the miscarriage from a few months ago, and I should start taking a prenatal vitamin if I wasn’t already. If I got a positive pregnancy test in the future to give them a call and we could try the blood work again.

So now the cycle begins again. Not only am I not pregnant, but my periods are still messed up from our miscarriage, meaning there’s a good chance we won’t be able to try for a baby until my body decides to cooperate. This horrible roller coaster of really high highs, followed by really low lows has taken such a toll on me emotionally.

I know my body’s trying to regulate and get back to normal after our loss. I made it to 12 weeks with baby James and a loss at that stage takes longer to heal, not to mention the effects of the procedure where they removed the rest of the pregnancy from me in the ER followed by the miso drugs.

I just desperately want someone to give me the answers of WHY we lost our baby, WHEN will my body heal, WHAT is going on with my cycle, and HOW can we conceive again.

So I sit here, feeling like a boat lost at sea, staring at the horizon at the shoreline I will never meet.