Balancing Emotions

How do you balance the feelings of being happy for somebody else while also grieving your loss?

I got to hold my nephew while we were shopping as a family this week, and I was so proud when people complimented him or asked about him. I wanted to tell them about my baby I had just lost and say I’m a mom too! But I wasn’t sure how to find the words.

There are moments when I see my friend's babies and feel so hopeful and joyful, then moments when it’s too hard for me to see any babies because the grief of losing mine is so heavy it feels like I’m being crushed.

So many emotions are constantly coursing through my mind:

• Joy seeing a new mom and wanting to pray and bless her

• Then sadness hits, knowing that it could have been me

• Followed by anger, knowing I had a chance and it didn’t work out

• Then, confusion as to why I wasn’t able to start a family or hold my baby

• And finally, fear of the future settles in

It's crazy how you can go from feeling like you belong in this new season of motherhood when you’re pregnant to feeling like such an outsider if you lose your baby. There are so many emotions to process that I think staying home or being out of town is easier than facing what’s familiar. How do you move on with life when it changes so drastically?

Jesus please, I’m begging

Show me a glimpse of you

I’m desperate to see heaven

And your goodness shining through

Surrounded by new parents

Alone with empty arms

Struggling to be happy

Seeing their new baby’s charm

Each announcement a stab

Each shower invite a blow

Every pregnant belly a sign

Of what I had but couldn’t show

Help me find strength

To support and love

The other women around me

While my angel is above

Will you sit here and hold me?

While I lay here alone

Sitting here in my empty house

Miles away from my baby’s home