Without going into too much detail, on Tuesday evening, I was taken to the hospital. Due to the situation and the amount of blood loss, I was kept overnight. But this time, when I was sitting in the hospital, I had a few realizations.

The waiting game nobody sees The emotional high and low Of counting and tracking and hoping That its our time to start to show

So close. We were so close to being pregnant again; I could feel it. My anxiety was ramping up, I was gaining weight, I could feel cramping in my abdomen- I knew we were finally heading in the right direction.

I cleaned the nursery today All the books, clothing and art Just sitting there catching dust Gone before I had the chance to start

So I keep riding this roller coaster of emotions, waiting for my chance to one day step off this horrible road of twists and turns, ups and downs. Trying to process this season of life that we are in while holding onto any glimmer of hope I can find. But it’s hard, and I’m tired. And we’re only just beginning again.

I know the feeling of hopelessness. I have lived in this dark state for weeks, feeling like there is nothing that will lift my heart out of this deep place. I didn't realize there was such a low point for me until I look back on these weeks since we lost our baby. The worst feeling for me was when we were in the hospital right after our miscarriage had just happened.

Do I still have self-worth as a woman with no children? How do I define myself if not a mom?

I've been waiting for this day with so much hope and excitement since we found out we were pregnant. May 5th is our anatomy scan day! We would finally be able to see our little guy in full view and see him growing into his little body.

So, for the season, I’ve decided that instead of training for a future event, I’m going to run and exercise with no expectations. I’m not going to keep distracting myself with the next big thing; instead, I’m going to be still and learn to focus on every day, every hour, and every step in this journey of healing.

The big question for me was, "If God knows the outcome of our situation already, does He go in and change the outcome if I pray?" The heart of all of these questions is really, "Does prayer really work?"

I immediately purchased the two dogs that looked like Ramsay and Rhodie, but I didn’t realize that a few weeks later, I would also buy the painting “Dancing With Jesus” to go with the two dogs.

I knew this next step was going to be difficult, but I didn't realize I would be reliving every step of our loss over again.

Sometimes, I feel that God is so far away. But this Easter morning I'm reminded that God also experienced the loss of a child.

Each day brings something different and some are better than others. But for now, I will wait. I will be still. I will not rush or force healing, but learn to abide and see how he uses this terrible situation in my life for good.

I see you in the sunrise, when the colors are bright and strong

How do you balance the feelings of being happy for somebody else while also grieving your loss?

Nobody can give you an answer or a reason for why you miscarried, gave birth prematurely, or lost a pregnancy.

And it's hard when you know God could intervene and change the circumstances and give you a miracle in your current situation.

Small Victories of taking life minute by minute after a miscarriage.

Many people have told me that they believe God wanted this baby for himself, but I don’t think that’s the case.