First Cycle After Pregnancy Loss

We had a follow-up appointment a week after we miscarried, and our doctor told us we should expect around 4-6 weeks. Initially, life was such a blur that I could barely focus on the day, let alone the future. But I began praying for a healthy cycle so we could start trying for a family again. My prayers were answered this morning, but I wasn't ready for the emotions that followed. I knew this next step was going to be difficult, but I didn't realize I would be reliving every step of our loss over again. 

Every time I've experienced bleeding, I'm reminded that I've lost my son. It's a trigger that brings back memories of what happened. I experienced bleeding for weeks after our miscarriage, and the bleeding would bring back trauma that was associated with losing our baby. I started to fear going into our bathroom at our house because that's where everything started. Every time I would go into the bathroom, the bleeding would continue, and it was just another sign of the nightmare I was living but couldn't escape. About a week ago, my bleeding from our miscarriage finally stopped, along with the cramps, but the emptiness and dread remained. 

This morning, it hit me that having a period means that we're no longer pregnant. I'm reminded of the past three years since we started trying for a family and the sadness and heaviness every month when pregnancy tests were negative, and my cycle would start. It feels like another failure from my body. Yes, even though I should be grateful my body is doing what it is supposed to and shedding the uterus lining, I also know this means we have to start the vicious cycle of forced timing, ovulation kits, and hopeful testing all over again. 

I've realized I've been living in this in-between phase where there still was hope that we could be pregnant or could get pregnant again immediately without having to experience a period and the stress of trying to conceive. It's almost like the phrase "It is finished." where now we've officially concluded the miscarriage process. Tomorrow, it will have been exactly 4 weeks since we lost our son, and I still feel angry, sad, and empty. I've been dreading the four-week mark for a while now. Every day that goes by is a step further away from the baby I didn't get the chance to meet. Each day, I dream of who he would have been, what he would have looked like, what he would call Ian and my parents, and now I have to face the reality that we really are back to the beginning of our journey of starting a family. Now, what do we do?