I Ran Today

I ran today.

I used to love to run. It’s always been a way for me to exercise and work toward something. When I was training for Mrs. American, the half marathon, or any other important event in my life, I would go for a run and picture myself at that moment in my future. It was a way for me to train my body physically and my mind mentally for the ‘next big thing’ in my life.

Today was the first day since our miscarriage that I went for a run, which was a huge win for me. As I was running, I realized I had nothing to train for. I considered doing another competition, another race, or finding something. It took me a while to realize that I long to look forward to my future, to win another title or accolade, instead of focusing on where I am currently.

So, for the season, I’ve decided that instead of training for a future event, I’m going to run and exercise with no expectations. I’m not going to keep distracting myself with the next big thing; instead, I’m going to be still and learn to focus on every day, every hour, and every step in this journey of healing. It’s hard to be uncomfortable and sit in that stillness during the waiting season, but I will try. Instead of running toward something, I’m going to run in place and be still.