Healing's Timing

When we came home from the hospital, one of my good friends bought me the devotional Streams In The Desert. Ever since, I've been reading it each morning, and the message from March 30th was really impactful for me, especially five days after miscarrying our first child.

"When we are in darkness, the temptation is to find our own way without trusting in the Lord and relying upon Him. Instead of allowing Him to help us, we try to help ourselves. We reason out our own conclusions and thereby may be tempted to accept a path of deliverance that would not be of God at all. Premature deliverance may circumvent God's work of grace in your life. Commit the entire situation to Him and be willing to abide in darkness, knowing He is present. Stop interfering with God's plan and with His will. You may be able to rush the unfolding of some aspects of God's will, but you will harm His work in the long run. You can force a rosebud open, but you will spoil the flower. Leave everything to Him without exception (Cowman, Streams In The Desert)."

Jesus understood suffering and pain, even to the point of death, yet He still chose God's will over his own. Why did He let this happen? Because it was God's plan for him and our future. Can you imagine if Jesus had gone against God's plan? If Jesus hadn't died on the cross, none of us would have a future and a hope of eternity with Jesus. We would have no access to the Father and would be living a life full of sin and shame. But the pain Jesus went through wasn't in vain, it was to benefit us in the long run. God was using Him to help others. He could've run off, hidden, or started a life of his own, but instead, He chose a terrible and painful death on the cross with the weight of sin in the world on his shoulders. He was beaten, ridiculed, tortured, humiliated, and ultimately killed so that we could have eternal life. His pain and suffering saved us.

The journey that you're going through will not be in vain. God has a plan for purpose for you in the pain that you're feeling. The lives you may be able to touch down the road could help somebody more than you know. It's hard because you would never wish this pain on anybody. And selfishly, I would do anything to take it away and be able to hold and feel my baby in my belly again. But if this is a plan that God can change someone's life through my suffering, then so be it. I have come to accept that I will not be defeated in pain but instead will hold onto the hope that God can and will bring light to this dark situation. I may not see it now, but trusting in Him and His timing for my life will ultimately be the best option.

I'm doing my best daily to work through the suffering and rebuke any negative thoughts that come into my mind. There are days when I don't I understand what happened and want to be healed immediately and try to get pregnant again. Almost like nothing ever happened and we're back int he pregnancy season. Then other days I'm too scared to even hope for a family in the future, let alone start trying. The pain of our loss is so heavy that I don't want any other children, I just want to hold the little boy I lost. God is going to have to work through these thoughts in my head with me. If I were to start trying for a family right now I would be a basket case, but I trust that He will heal me when He is ready and we will try to get pregnant again once He makes it perfectly clear that it's time for us to take that next step.

Every day I choose to believe that my baby is safe in the arms of Jesus in Heaven and that I will meet him one day. I will have a chance to hold onto him and see his beautiful face. But in the meantime, I will continue on the course that God has for my life, and I will not rush the healing and the grieving process but instead choose to let His will be done. Each day brings something different and some are better than others. But for now, I will wait. I will be still. I will not rush or force healing, but learn to abide and see how he uses this terrible situation in my life for good.

There may be pain in the night, but Joy comes in the morning (Psalm 30:5).

Link to purchase Streams In The Desert on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Streams-Desert-Daily-Devotional-Readings/dp/0310285895/ref=pd_lpo_d_sccl_1/132-9728544-7877031?pd_rd_w=YKDJP&content-id=amzn1.sym.4c8c52db-06f8-4e42-8e56-912796f2ea6c&pf_rd_p=4c8c52db-06f8-4e42-8e56-912796f2ea6c&pf_rd_r=4TX4JH5ZXR7ZXCSNC714&pd_rd_wg=vQnPq&pd_rd_r=d1f4a898-4454-411c-b215-30fb06fdd98a&pd_rd_i=0310285895&psc=1